No Excuses - You Should Be Going Down On Her

I know despite my best efforts, this piece will exude major “I hope she reads this, bro” energy. 

A piece that will come off as nothing more than a faux-woke championing of sex positivity. Fodder for any woman who happens to read it, in the hopes that she’ll commend me for being so enthusiastic about eating pussy, share with me her harrowing tales of tongue-less sexual encounters, and subsequently offer herself up to me as a means to reverse those fortunes. Her bits, and my lips, ending our respective droughts.

I get all that. I’m well aware of how this could be interpreted as nothing more than a shameless plug of my own sexuality, especially during a COVID-forced dry spell that has made me thirstier than I’ve ever been in the history of my sex life. From the outside looking in, it comes off as pathetic attempt to get women to slide in my DMs.

I’ve decided I’m willing to take that risk. I don’t care how it looks. This is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for quite some time.

Before we start, let me just say, I’m not here to offer exclusive, life changing tips. I’m not coming from a place of self-given authority, like I’m the Pussy Whisperer, or some sort of cunnilingus aficionado. As far as I know, I haven’t received any awards for my work in that field (yet).

So this isn’t going to be “expert” advice, or a top 10 list of hot new things to try on your lover like I’m a Cosmo writer. Just a guy who enjoys eating pussy and wants to articulate why those who don’t should probably at least make more of an effort to try.

And honestly, when it comes to this, as is the case with all matters of sex - there aren’t any magic bullet techniques. Communication is key. 

Yes, it’s paramount to have a working knowledge of the female anatomy before you go muff diving, but it’s also important to talk to your partner in explicit detail. Everyone likes different things. Drop the ego. Let her teach you about her body - she knows it better than anyone else. And hey, with her as your guide, and your willingness to learn, both of you may discover something new in the process. Maybe a technique she hadn’t thought of or experienced before; something that gets her going in ways she never imagined. A win-win for both of you.

So no, this piece won’t reveal any hidden gems in that regard. All I’m saying, is that with 2022 fast approaching, people that refuse to eat pussy are running out of excuses.

Now, that last line, and the headline of this article were admittedly a little inflammatory (purposefully so). Then again, what successful headline isn’t an attention-grabber?

So let me clear this up right now: There are some acceptable reasons for not eating pussy.

For starters - while the healthy, natural, musky smell of a woman gets me going personally, it’s fair to say that hygiene, or lack thereof, is a perfectly acceptable reason to not go down on someone, regardless of gender. 

If you want your junk consumed, you have to get it ready for consumption. You would think that goes without saying, but far too often I’ve heard stories that beg to differ. So, as tough of a conversation it is to have with someone - if hygiene is what’s stopping you from eating box, you need to broach that topic with your significant other. It’ll improve both of your sex lives in the end.

That being said - understand what constitutes a “normal” smell. Take into account the many contributing factors that make up a woman’s scent. Diet, where she’s at in her cycle, the fabric of her underwear, hormones, and simple body chemistry all play a role. As do a handful of other elements. The same woman can smell differently on different days for different reasons. If she has a strong odor, it may not necessarily mean she’s unhygienic. It could just be who she is. That’s a far cry from the kinds of odors (fishy, yeasty, cheesy) that indicate infection. But yeah, if you feel like your partner genuinely has a hygiene problem, you have to address it.

There also, of course, exists women who simply don’t enjoy getting eaten out. All of us are different, have different needs, wants, and things that get us off. Some women simply don’t enjoy the sensation. It happens, and it’s valid.

So I’m not referring to those who fall into either of the aforementioned categories. 

I’m specifically referring to those who have been told by their partners that they do like getting their pussy eaten - partners who have made sure their hygiene is up to snuff and ready to be dined on - and either lick them unenthusiastically for 30 seconds, or refuse to lick them at all.

Those who maybe throw their partners a bone once in a while and give them one good licking every few weeks or months to keep the complaints at bay.

To me, it’s an egregious display of selfishness and immaturity, and there really is no excuse for it.

Not liking the taste isn’t an excuse.

As much as I love chowing down, I can tell you honestly and in no uncertain terms that I don’t find the taste appealing.

It’s unseasoned human skin. It’s not supposed to taste good. Though to be fair, the tastes, like the smell, do vary, and every so often I’m surprised by a welcoming flavor. That being said, I don’t eat pussy because I’m hungry. I eat it because I’m horny; and as long as the taste falls within the parameters of what a healthy vulva should taste like, I’m eagerly diving in.

But you know what else doesn’t taste good? Tits. Ass. Feet. Dicks (I’m assuming). But most people lick and suck those things with no problem.

I find it very hard to believe that a majority of women who go down on their male partners actually enjoy the taste of a penis. 

They don’t do it because they have an insatiable thirst for that awesome dick flavor - they enjoy it because they know it pleases their partner. There’s people that enjoy performing oral on their partners so much they feel like they’re the ones getting pleased (I’m one of them) - but at the very least, most people do it because they know their partners enjoy it.

It’s just a statistical fact. A significant amount of women like getting eaten out. And not for 30 seconds, either - well beyond that.

And you don’t have to jump with glee whenever you’re asked to go down on them, but you also shouldn’t come across as so disinterested or turned off that your partner feels like they’re burdening you. Like they’re giving you a chore. 

“Wash the dishes! Fold the laundry! Eat my pussy!”

No one wants to feel like they’re imposing on their partner or making them uncomfortable.

A big part of enjoying sex comes with feeling desired. It’s hard to enjoy sex or orgasm from it, if you feel like you’re forcing someone to do something they deem “gross.”

At the end of the day, I’m simply suggesting that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going down on your partner. Who do you think looks more attractive in her eyes? Someone that begrudgingly eats them out and makes her feel unattractive and gross? Or someone who enthusiastically goes down on her, making her feel desired and sexy in the process, and opens her up to a new level of sexual satisfaction? Who do you think she’d rather have sex with? And how much better do you think sex would be with a happy, confident, satisfied woman? 

You don’t like eating pussy? Well, more than likely, she doesn’t like sucking dick. Get over it. 

There has to be give and take in a sexual relationship that makes sure both parties are being satisfied within the established boundaries agreed upon by said parties. If she’s expressed that she enjoys getting eaten out, and you refuse to do it, just because you “don’t really like it,” or because you feel like you’re not getting anything out of it, move on and let her find someone who’ll get the job done.

I genuinely feel for the women who want oral but aren’t getting it, and feel like leaving their partner over something like lack of pussy eating is too petty to actually follow through on. Your sexual wants and needs matter just as much as your partner’s. Don’t suffer in silence and wonder what could’ve been. Speak up and make your desires known.

And while obviously this article was geared toward women not getting what they want, the same applies to men. If you’re a selfless partner, but you’re not receiving that same energy in return, don’t merely put up with and secretly hold resentment for your partner. Express yourself. 

For all of us, regardless of our gender or sexual orientation - life is too short to waste on people who aren’t committed to pleasing you in bed.