I’m Going to End Up Alone - and That’s Okay

When it comes to finding “love” - an inherently illogical feeling - people often try to use logic and statistics to give themselves and others a glimmer of hope.

“There’s billions of people in this world. One of them is bound to be your soulmate!”

“It’s a numbers game!”

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea!”

“Every pot has a lid!”

While those statements are encouraging, they’re not actually true.

Yes, there are billions of people in this world. But, no, you don’t live near all of them. And once you start filtering people out based on what you’re looking for - that billion shrinks down to single digits quickly.

Just basic filtering will shed most of those people out. Filters like:

•Do they live near me?

•Are they within an appropriate age range?

•Are they single?

•Are they the gender I’m attracted to?

•Are they attracted to me?

Those basic questions will take most people out of the running. And you only lose more from there.

In my case, I have to add “Doesn’t want marriage,” and “Doesn’t want kids” to my list of requirements, removing a significant amount of women from my pool of potential partners. And again, we haven’t even touched the physical or personality traits I’m looking for, which I’ll dive into now.

Physical

I, like most people, certainly have a “type” - but that being said, I find a wide range of women attractive, and can find beauty in women of any ethnicity, height, body type, etc.

Throughout my dating history, I’ve fallen for, and have been subsequently rejected by, women who fell well outside my preferred physical type.

As a result of that, part of me now is thinking, “Well, fuck it then. If I’m gonna put myself out there and face rejection regardless, it should be worth it. I might as well focus only on the women who fit my specific type, as opposed to chasing those who don’t, and getting disappointed anyway.”

Of course though, that would make my search even harder. And I’m not really in a position to limit myself further.

Also, the physical stuff cuts both ways. And self-awareness is vital to navigating the dating scene.

I don’t fit the archetypal Prince Charming a good number of women are looking for. I’m not hunky, I’m not white, and I’m not tall. And while I’m confident in who I am, and wouldn’t change a single physical attribute of mine if I could - my dating options are limited by what I look like - as they are for most people who don’t fit into the narrow mainstream view of attractiveness.

So, yes, while I obviously can’t be with someone I’m not physically attracted to, I have to remind myself I don’t have much wiggle room in that department, either.

At the same time though, we can’t be with someone we feel we “settled” for, physically or otherwise. It’ll lead to resentment and bitterness, and it’s not fair to either party in the long run.

Personality

When it comes to personality stuff, I don’t look for any traits I don’t possess myself. So, essentially, I’m looking for the female version of me, with a way nicer ass.

I’m an introvert. I want my partner to be one as well. I’m not looking to get dragged to boring, awkward, social events where I’m forced to make small talk and pretend to give a shit. I’d rather stay home and watch something with her. Or, if we are gonna go out - go to the movies, or a museum, or a park, or to dinner - any place where it’s still a one-on-one interaction between us.

I’m creative. Ideally, my partner would be as well. Or at the very least, she’d appreciate the arts. Films, books, music - I love and consume all creative mediums. I love discussing them, too. It’d be nice if she enjoyed doing the same.

I consider myself smart, curious, cultured, and open minded. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, watch Jeopardy! religiously, and overall love learning new things, no matter how trivial. I want to travel the world and experience different food, different cultures, and different ways of life. Again, it sure would be nice if my partner felt the same, or else how would we mesh?

I have a dark, cynical, sarcastic sense of humor, and she’d have to understand that, or else there’s no way it could work.

I’m socially and politically active, and I’d need someone whose politics and world view were similar to mine. I don’t agree with the belief that “opposites attract,” and in fact, studies have shown that’s actually bullshit. So, yeah. I need someone who’s similar to me ideologically.

Sexually, we’d have to be on the same page. I have a high sex drive, and couldn’t be with someone who didn’t. I’m extremely passionate, and physical touch is one of my love languages. There’s no way I could be with someone who wasn’t similar in that regard.

The Reality

Yes, I listed quite a few requirements, but none of them unreasonable or ridiculous - at least to me.

I just want someone I’m physically attracted to, who has personality traits that gel with mine, who doesn’t want marriage or kids, and who finds me as attractive as I find them, otherwise, what’s the point?

How could a relationship work if I considered her my absolute dream woman, but she didn’t see me as her dream man?

But therein lies the problem: Most relationships are decidedly not that.

They’re not dream pairings where there’s an equal amount of love being shown by both parties. Someone always cares more. Or put another way - someone always cares less.

People get together for a litany of reasons - but the least likely reason of all is getting together because both sides feel like they found their “soulmate.”

More likely is that they settled. Maybe out of a fear of being alone. Maybe due to peer pressure/pressure from their family to find someone. Maybe they wanted someone who helped them financially. Or they wanted children, and felt this person, regardless of their unattractive shortcomings, would make a great parent to their future kids.

Regardless of the reason, it’s clear most people don’t find their ideal partner. They settle for what they felt was the best deal at the time. It’s cynical, but true.

And that’s why I’ll most likely end up alone, and why I’m okay with it.

I’ve never had a serious relationship - all I know is the single life. And that life, for all its occasional suckiness, is pretty awesome overall. And it would take some serious convincing to get me to give it up.

I don’t have to compromise. I don’t have to forfeit my free time. I don’t have to invest in someone emotionally. Take their problems on and make them our problems. I don’t have to risk getting my heart broken.

I don’t want children, or the white picket fence suburban life. So I’m not looking to use someone as a springboard to reach parenthood or homeownership. The only thing that could convince me to enter a relationship with someone, is the person themselves. It would be all about them, not what they could provide for me, or the kind of lifestyle I could have as a result of being with them. It would just be them. No house. No kids. Them.

So, since all I’d be getting out of it is the love for and from one person - I’m not settling for a lukewarm relationship with someone I’m not one hundred percent into.

It’s dream girl or bust for me. And if it’s bust, that leaves me right where I am now.

And that’s okay.

Dave CastleSeptember 1, 2021