There's Nothing Wrong With Being Single

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Today is Valentine’s Day: The cheesiest, lamest, most cringe-worthy “holiday” on our calendars.

I don’t say that because I’m single and bitter. I’m not bitter at all about being single.

If I was in a relationship, I’d find celebrating Valentine’s Day just as cheesy and lame.

It’s a manufactured holiday meant to stimulate a little economic bump during the winter months. For the record, all February holidays are complete garbage. Groundhog’s Day? Seriously? That’s still a thing? And President’s Day? Mattress sales and an overload of cringe-worthy local car dealership commercials? Hard pass. Valentine’s Day may be the best one out of the bunch by default, but that’s not saying much.

However, Valentine’s Day sucks in a uniquely uhh...well…sucky way. It further pushes the problematic belief that if you’re in a relationship, you’re desirable; you’re a catch. If you’re single, you’re a fucking loser.

Cue the endless sitcom tropes of single women eating ice cream on the couch and watching romcoms alone. Ha. Fucking losers. Cat lady spinsters in the making.

Or the dateless men spending their lonely nights beating their dicks to death. Ha. Losers!

It’s an issue that permeates our culture in all sorts of subtle, passive aggressive ways.

Anyone who’s ever been single for an extended period of time knows what I’m talking about.

Don’t have a plus one to a wedding? Yikes.

Younger cousin brings their new partner to Thanksgiving while you have no one? Oof.

Engagement pictures show up on your Facebook feed? Where are yours?

And this isn’t a shot at those who are married, or some day want to get married. Or those currently in relationships period. That’s fine if that’s truly what you want. Live your life and enjoy.

But too many people get into relationships, and even marry, for the wrong reasons. Societal pressure, insecurity, or fear of being alone. 

There’s still very much a stigma around people that don’t want to get tied down and have children. 

There’s pros and cons to every lifestyle, and I’m single by choice because I feel the cons of being single are easier to handle than the cons of being in a relationship. No lifestyle is perfect, and you have to be honest with yourself in regards to what you can or can’t handle.

I can handle not having an emotional support system in the form of a lover. I have friends and family to be my rock when I need them, and vice versa. They know they can count on me to be theirs.

I can handle going through sexual dry spells as opposed to having consistent sex with a trusting, loving partner. I value the excitement and variety that dating around brings me when those dry spells are broken.

I can handle watching my friends and family members get into relationships, always having a partner in crime for anything that life throws at them.

What I can’t handle, is having to compromise on certain things, especially if we’re living together. 

I can’t handle being dragged to boring or awkward social events I otherwise never would’ve attended because I’m doing it for someone else as part of the “compromise” necessary to keep a healthy relationship flowing.

I can’t handle forfeiting a chunk of my free time and overall autonomy. It feels like I’m being suffocated.

I can’t handle having to “work” at nurturing a relationship. Giving it thought throughout my day. Thinking of ways to keep the balance, avoid drama, and keep my partner happy.

I can’t handle having to tell someone the ins and outs of my day. Telling them who I’m with, what I’m doing, or when I plan to be home. I like not having to answer to anybody. I like doing what I want, when I want, without having to check-in with someone else first. Selfish? Maybe. Extraordinarily empowering? You bet your fucking ass it is.

I can’t handle the unnecessary drama relationships often bring, in some form or another. Whether jealousy, outside people trying to sabotage your relationship, or previously concealed baggage from your partner making a debut at the worst possible moment.

I can’t handle petty, passive aggressive fights over bullshit.

I can’t handle the thought of being vulnerable with someone, and thinking they’re “the one,” and giving my all to them, while in the background lurks a possibility that they may end up breaking my heart and scarring me emotionally.

Now I know what some will say:

“Dave, you’re generalizing. Not all relationships are like that.”

“Communication is important - you just need to verbalize your wants and needs and find someone who wants the same things in life that you do. You can be with someone and still have your space; still have your boundaries.”

“I’m not gonna lie, relationships are work - but they lead to something beautiful.”

I know. Everyone believes that their relationship is the first of its kind and no one but the two people in said relationship “get it.” Only they can see how special and unique and beautiful it is.

But from the outside looking in, it feels like most relationships reach a level of comfort that frankly, I wouldn’t be comfortable with. They get stale and predictable, and the love that was once visceral and physical and full of life, is replaced with the lukewarm, often nonverbal, implied understanding that “I love you, you love me, we get it. We don't have to, you know, actually show it.”

Am I totally against relationships? No. In an ideal world, I’d ride off into the sunset with the girl of my dreams. 

But, I know myself. I know how picky I am. I know what I want, and anything less than that is unacceptable. I refuse to settle on the things I find most important - of which there are many. Most people make concessions when it comes to relationships, as you never get everything you’re looking for. I understand that if you want to find a genuine relationship, you need to settle in some way - I’m just not interested in doing so.

I need that dream girl. That’s the only way I can try to make it work. And not only would this hypothetical dream girl have to be everything I’m looking for - the inverse would also have to be true. I’d have to be her dream partner. I’d feel way too guilty knowing I got everything I wanted, but my partner “settled” for me. She would have to be just as crazy about me as I am about her, and that’s a tough, often impossible bar to reach.

In most relationships, there’s gonna be someone that cares more than the other. Someone is more vulnerable than the other. Someone sacrifices more than the other. And that’s scary to think about, at least in my opinion.

I need someone who makes me feel alive. Not just for the first three months, or the first year, or the first five years. Every single fucking day. And they need to feel the same fire. Is it unrealistic to expect that? Maybe; but life is too short to be in a lukewarm, bullshit relationship.

Not to mention, if I did find my dream girl, I’m absolutely not budging on my “No Children Ever” policy. And while I’m not totally opposed to living together, I’m never getting married. I’m never bringing the state of New York into my relationship. I’m not getting a certificate that shows we’re together. It’s just not something I’m interested in. Give me the love, but leave all the traditional fluff behind.

How many girls, realistically speaking, would be into that setup? Sure, they’re out there, but do they also have all the other traits I look for in a person? Most likely not. I know you have to throw logic out the window when discussing matters of the heart but my mathematical brain can’t help but crunch the numbers.

Again, I know this all sounds really mean and bitter and cynical, but I’m content with where I’m at. This isn’t my delicate ego launching an insecure, preemptive attack on lovebirds currently celebrating this “holiday.”

I honestly, genuinely enjoy being single. There’s a lot of positives to being so, and I just wish those who felt the same way I do would stop feeling weird about it. 

It’s perfectly healthy to want to remain single. You don’t have to “settle down” at a certain age. You don’t have to settle down at all. 

It’s okay to not want marriage or children.

Live your life, just as those in relationships live theirs.

For all my fellow single peeps out there genuinely enjoying their singledom, this day is for you.

For those who are single but feel ashamed or insecure about it, or are actively looking for a partner - fret not. Your time will come. And even if it doesn’t - your worth isn’t measured by who you’re with. This day is also for you.

For those in relationships stressing about making this a perfect day - stop it. One arbitrary date on a calendar shouldn’t put pressure on you to prove your love to your significant other. You should be showing it in little ways throughout your day, every day.

A fake holiday shouldn’t make anyone feel insecure about their love life.