Rejecting Traditional Masculinity and Embracing My Softer Side

I spent this past weekend doing what most heterosexual men in their 30s do on the weekends - cozied up under a thick blanket, cracked open one of the new luxury candles I recently bought, and went all-in on the aroma therapy, vibing in a dimly-lit room that smelled identical to a smoky campfire on a crisp autumn night (D.S. & Durga's Portable Fireplace), and sat with my thoughts and feelings - of which I have many.

Oh? We're not all doing that? My bad. Well, in my defense, I don't watch college football, so what other options did I have?

Now, that's not to say I don't like football. In fact, I'll be spending this afternoon (and evening, and night) watching professional football, largely for the playoff implications it has for my fantasy league. I'm currently in first place, if you even care.

Now, I shouldn't have felt compelled to write that last paragraph to prove my "masculine" bona fides, and yet, I did.

I wanted to assure you that just because I enjoy warm scents and warmer blankets, it doesn't mean I can't  also enjoy watching men deliver punishing, brain-damaging hits to other men on a weekly basis.

But therein lies the problem.

I didn’t want to be mistaken for being one of those vaguely “feminine,” pretentious, elitist snobs who thinks they're unique, enlightened, and "cultured" because they don't watch "sports ball." I very much enjoy sports ball!

But a lot of us, men and women alike, still hold archaic beliefs about what makes a man, a man. What makes one "masculine."

The guy from Saturday - the one cozily tending to his mental health - is the same guy that today, will furiously refresh his phone to see if his imaginary team scored more points than his opponent's imaginary team.

But one of those scenarios is decidedly funnier than the other because it breaks a societal norm.

Men are expected to be overgrown kids, and competitively obsess over seemingly trivial things like fantasy football.

They're not expected to get excited when firing up a playlist specifically designed for candle smelling sessions, and curiously sniff the air to catch the "oak ash" middle note listed on the box of said candle.

There's actually quite a few things "real" men aren't allowed to do, per TikTok and social media in general.

This extensive, ever growing list includes:

•Using emojis

•Posting Instagram stories

•Eating salads

And yes, burning scented candles.

Well, at the risk of drying up every woman reading this to a dangerously arid, Sahara-like degree, let me say unequivocally: I do all of these things, and enjoy them! 😤

And that's not all.

I bake. I listen to Lana Del Rey and Taylor Swift unironically (and sing along to them, too).

I really, really hate bugs, and one time...I *gasp* bought a white iPhone - which I've been told, is for chicks - and you know what? I just might do it again!

But there’s a natural counterbalance to those things, because, I also love classic muscle cars, Tarantino films, greasy burgers, and big booty bitches. You know, man stuff.

When it comes to sex, I love slow, deliberate, extended foreplay and cuddling, with plenty of pillow talk in the afterglow.

But…I also love biting, hair pulling, spanking, and dirty talk in the heat of the moment.

Balance.

I can go full caveman and be a dominant, primal lover - but, you know, I also wouldn't hate a woman who smacked me around and spit in my mouth.

Balance.

In a world where fitness gurus, "dating coaches," podcast bros, and Twitch streamers are embracing weapons grade toxic masculinity and selling young men on the idea that they need to be jacked, wealthy sociopaths en route to becoming “alphas," I'm proud to be a soft, sensitive “soy boy.”

Although, they’re the ones worshipping other dudes, and living their lives the way those other dudes told them to, which doesn't sound super manly to me, but what do I know? I’m just a beta cuck, right?

But sadly, it’s not just men who buy into this concept. I'm fully aware that a lot of women - regardless of their politics - are attracted to the same archetypal man:

A tall, rugged, hairy hunk of a man. A protector and provider. A man that takes initiative. Plans and pays for every date. Fulfills his traditional gender roles without complaining. His emotional intelligence might be limited to an uninspired "that sucks" when you vent about the bad day you had, but hey, it's a small price to pay.

I understand the allure. Men should feel a desire to protect women (from other men, no less). Confidence and assertiveness are attractive traits no matter the gender, and who wouldn’t want to be with someone who made enough money to feel comfortable in these financially stressful times?

But that doesn’t mean that short, skinny men, or men who can't grow full, thick beards, or men who don't make a ton of money are lesser men than their archetypal counterparts. They’re just as valid.

And I might be biased, but I’d actually argue that the men who don't care that their partners are taller than them, or make more money than them, are even manlier than the traditional man.

I’d argue men who are emotionally intelligent and willing to be vulnerable display a more impressive level of inner strength than the traditional man.

Okay, so I can’t make women swoon by rolling up the sleeves of my plaid shirt and chopping down wood with relative ease - but I’m a good communicator and can both openly express my emotions in a healthy way, and tend to a woman’s emotional needs. Why is one more masculine than the other in our society?

Why do I feel pressured to express the more traditionally masculine aspects of my personality while downplaying the softer ones?

Why are we slapping gendered labels on basic human interests or actions to begin with?

Why isn't my interest in baking as valid as my interest in sports?

Why aren't any of my less testosterone-fueled interests like reading and going to museums and art galleries as valid as watching men violently crash into each other?

Even my film tastes have a sharp, gendered divide.

While I love classic film bro movies like Pulp Fiction, The Dark Knight, and Se7en, I also love romantic dramas like The Worst Person in the World and Past Lives.

Do the latter films make me less of a “man?”

I thought Oppenheimer was a cinematic masterpiece, but I also got choked up watching Barbie - does that invalidate me in some way?

If there’s one thing about my 30s that I'm thankful for, it’s that I’m finally starting to drop the stoic facade of my 20s and embrace the sensitive man within. The softie who’s always been there, but was buried under insecurities and overcompensation.

But if being a vulnerable, occasionally insecure, emotionally available fan of cozy nights and romantic foreign films and baked goods and Lana Del Rey and white smartphones means I fall short of being a "real” man, I'm perfectly fine with that.

Although, I do hope that someday we eliminate these “masculine” and “feminine” labels once and for all. They serve no purpose outside of reinforcing harmful norms and stereotypes that negatively impact both men and women and create unnecessary insecurities along the way.

So, I’m gonna do my small part, and unapologetically embrace my softer side going forward.

Now, what candle pairs well with Sunday Night Football?