Would Batman Go Down On Catwoman?

DC

Because we’re living in a simulation that stopped making sense years ago - nerdy, previously innocuous what-if scenarios that begged the question “Who would win in a fight between Superman and Thor?,”or, “Who’s faster - Quicksilver or Flash?,” have shifted to a more NSFW discussion.

Does Batman eat pussy? That’s the question currently throwing the comic book world into a frenzy. 

Sure, on its face, it’s a silly and ridiculous topic to discuss, namely because Batman is a fictional character, whereas DJ Khaled is a real person, but it does open the door for a more meaningful discussion regarding the creative limitations of huge IPs. 

The Variety article that touched on Batman’s sex life was really about how creators of superhero shows and films are trying to walk that tightrope of doing something fresh and experimental while still being faithful to the source material. 

Comic book fans are a notoriously hard group to please. Any deviation of the source material is considered sacrilegious, and if you don’t please the base, your film or show won’t go far. It’s off to the reboot graveyard you go, where other creators are handed the keys to the property you just ruined, any and all mentions of your show are thrown into a memory hole, and fans pretend what you made never actually existed.

But since these properties - even previously C-level, obscure ones - have grown in popularity (seriously, people are excited about Loki), it makes pleasing everyone even harder. Especially since the age range of the fanbase is enormous.

The reality is, superheroes aren’t just for children, and many of the themes found in the genre are for adults. The only way to keep older fans engaged in the various franchises is to throw them a TV-MA or R-rated bone every once in a while. Deadpool, Punisher, and Daredevil have all done this to great effect and critical success.

Let the kids enjoy the action figures and video games, let the grown-ups enjoy the heady graphic novels and shows with mature themes, strong violence, and equally harsh language. 

Add to this the fact that we’re living in a time where sexual identity and subsequent representation (or lack thereof) are a hot topic when it comes to creative mediums, it was only a matter of time before adult comic book fans started asking: Does my favorite character fuck? And if so, who? And how?

A lot of fans want more complete characters. Characters with depth. Characters that are relatable outside of their superhuman powers. Falling in love, falling out of love, managing relationships, and yes, having sex, are all relatable human experiences. 

Which brings us back to the original question: Does Batman eat pussy? More specifically, would it be canonically accurate for Batman to go down on Catwoman’s…lady bits? (I promise not to make a single pussy/cat pun).

Well, let me start off by saying that if you’re a superhero who’s looking to both safeguard your identity and chow down, you really can’t do better than Batman’s mask. Think about it - the top half is dark, mysterious, and a little spooky, a la Eyes Wide Shut; but the bottom half? All business. He’s kissed Catwoman in that mask before, so just from a practical standpoint, there’s no problem. His cowl allows for maximum pussy-eating efficiency. Almost as if it were created by a sex-positive designer named Luscious Box, not Lucius Fox.

But would he? Would the Batcave-dweller explore her lady cave? (I never said I wouldn’t make cave puns).

He’s often depicted as being brooding and serious - doesn’t a guy like that need to wind down every now and again via hot, leather-clad rooftop sex with a woman that oozes sex appeal? Or does his commitment to detective work and subsequent justice kill his sex drive?

If he does have sex, is he a giving lover? Would he invent a bat-vibe or clit stimulator to make sure his woman’s needs were taken care of in ways he couldn’t do himself? Or would he be too insecure to use toys in bed?

Would he be as aggressive as he is when he’s beating the shit out of henchmen and mobsters, or does he have more of a softer touch? It’s tough to say. 

Since Batman is my favorite superhero, I’d like to imagine that he is indeed, a giving lover. But, I can also see him leaving a disappointed Catwoman hanging, replying “I’ll get you next time,” in his trademark grizzled voice, before disappearing into the night.

I guess this is one of those previously mentioned what-ifs that’ll keep people arguing for years to come.