Before we get into it - some full disclosure: I’m not a true Game Of Thrones fan. I never read the books, and up until three weeks ago, had never seen a single episode of the show. But after 8 years of hearing how good it was, 8 years of pop culture references that went over my head, and 8 years of FOMO that finally reached a fever pitch this month - I caved, and decided to hop on the bandwagon (banddragon?).

My ridiculous predictions are not born out of years of studying individual characters and plot points. They’re not born out of a nuanced understanding of the story as a whole. They’re not born out of years of participating in online forum discussions and/or watching countless hours of theory videos on Youtube.

They’re born out of the limited working knowledge of someone who took a 67 episode Westerosi crash course over a 21-day span, with most of those episodes watched groggily between the hours of 1 to 5 in the morning.

So I’ll admit, I may not be the foremost authority on this subject as it relates to minor things like “accuracy;” but by the same token, most of our predictions will be wrong - so I’m just adding my own two cents to the same pile of wrongness most other viewers commonly dabble in.

All that being said - if any of my predictions come true, I’m obviously, and automatically, the frontrunner to be the next three-eyed raven.

Now that expectations have been tempered, let’s dive into my predictions and laugh as each one gets proven wrong between April 14th and May 19th.

1.) Tyrion Lannister Will Die

Yes, a major character (or five) will die during the show’s final season. Shocker, I know.

While it may not be a “ridiculous” prediction per se, it’s still something that, if it does happen, would be a colossal moment in the series.

Tyrion; through sweet talking, wit, resiliency, and occasional sheer luck, has managed to keep himself and his title of “The God of Tits and Wine” in tact through 7 treacherous seasons. But I predict his luck will run out during the show’s final act. I don’t know who (or what) will kill him, but I expect to see #RIPTyrion trending on Twitter at some point this spring.

2.) Sam Will Die (Defending Gilly)

He’s been called “unkillable.” Many fans of the show joke that he’ll be the only one left standing when the dust (snow?) settles. Well, to that I say - “Hodor.”

If the powers that be can kill off arguably the purest character on the show, I don’t see why Sam would be spared his life. I mean, he’s flirted with death before. Several times.

Like Tyrion, I see his luck running out this season. In season 7, he mentions (due to his father planting the seed) being tired of reading about “great men.” Well, what better way to change that narrative than to become a great man; by dying heroically to save Gilly, her child, and possibly the world at large, and making the history books himself, to be read about by future generations of Samwell Tarlys.

3.) Dany Will Die By The 5th Episode

The proud mother of three two dragons will not make it to the series finale. She’s got the army, she’s got the firepower, she’s got the smarts of Tyrion Lannister and the courageous resolve of Jon Snow on her side - and that still won’t be enough to prevail.

She’s the clear frontrunner for the Iron Throne - and that’s exactly why she won’t get it. It wouldn’t make for a very dramatic ending if the woman with everything, won everything. It’s just too predictable. If for nothing else, just from a storytelling perspective, it makes sense to throw people off the scent and shatter expectations.

What makes for a better story? The character with all the odds in their favor claiming the throne after a handful of setbacks and hardships? Or said character dying in the most surprising, painful, epic way possible?

4.) Jaime Lannister Will Kill Cersei

There’s quite a few people gunning for the queen. While it may be satisfying for viewers to see Arya cross another name off her list - once again, it seems too predictable. There’s been a clear narrative in regards to Cersei’s simultaneous ascension in regards to her power and descension in regards to her humanity. The more power she gains, the more she loses in her personal life. She’s lost all three of her children as a direct result of her own selfish, power-hungry actions.

She’s pregnant again (or so she says), and what better way for her to get her comeuppance than for her lover, her brother, and father (!) of her children, to be the one to take her life.

As Cersei’s gotten darker, Jaime’s gotten lighter - morphing from pompous, incestuous douche, to considerate, incestuous antihero.

The two of them are on a collision course; the aftermath of which will be one of the darker moments in the show’s history.

5.) Jon Will Find Out About His Relation To Dany, But Won’t Tell Her

Throughout the show, Jon has made his road a tougher one, and his odds of survival a slimmer one, by adhering to a code of conduct and ethics that at times do more harm than good. He’s brooding, he wears a lot of black, he’s a loner, and he has rules which he refuses to break. He’s Game Of Thrones’ Batman.

But where Batman knew who his actual parents were, this one doesn’t have a clue. He bases his worldview on the teachings of who he believes to be his father, Ned Stark - but that’s not actually the case. His father is Rhaegar Targaryen, and his mother’s a Stark. When you scale the branches of his family tree, you’re met with the uncomfortable reality that Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen are nephew and aunt, respectively. This show and incest, amirite?

I predict Jon will find out about this somehow, but won’t tell Dany. With people pressuring him throughout the series to lie when convenient, as opposed to being truthful and loyal to a fault - he’ll finally heed their advice.

Dany doesn’t believe she can get pregnant (though if she does get pregnant, that’s gonna be a logistical nightmare), so all the more reason to keep it from her. No child will come out of it that would bring shame to their family, so better to just keep things on the down low.

This will lead to Jon pulling back romantically from Dany, without giving her an explanation as to why. It’ll obviously effect their relationship, but Jon will be doing it for what he considers to be the greater good.

6.) Bran Will Be Revealed As The Night King

Sadly, I can’t take any credit for this one. Shortly after my binge, I made a prediction that Bran would at some point, warg into the undead dragon currently under the Night King’s control. I thought it was a reasonable prediction, as I see no other way for that thing to be taken down, even with Dany still in control of two other dragons.

I Googled that idea to see if anyone else felt like me, and was introduced to a conspiracy theory so wild, it deserves its own HBO miniseries.

Apparently, one of the most popular theories circulating is that Bran is in fact, the Night King. I’m not gonna lie; there’s some pretty solid reasoning behind it. If for nothing else, it would certainly make up for all the scenes I had to slog through regarding his subplot. If I’m being totally honest, I found most of his story to be relatively dull and uninteresting; certainly compared to many of the other storylines that were woven into the show.

But that’s the genius of it. A lot of people wouldn’t see it coming. As ridiculous as this one sounds, it also might just be crazy enough to be the most likely prediction in this article to come true. There’s certainly some evidence to back it up.

7.) Arya Stark Will Sit On The Iron Throne

Collectively, the Starks are doing the bulk of the heavy lifting on the show. Ned was given the unenviable task of being King Robert’s hand, in addition to maintaining order in King’s Landing and forging peace between his clan and the Lannisters. Jon Snow, largely on his own, had to convince entire kingdoms of the existence of the White Walkers, while uniting the entire North, including the wildlings. Sansa had to marry Joffrey, Tyrion, and Ramsay just to survive. They’ve put the work in. It’s only right for a Stark to sit on the throne. Who else could unite the Seven Kingdoms? Winter has arrived, and who better to handle it than the ones who warn when winter is coming?

Every Stark has suffered, but none of them have dealt with the passing of their patriarch as simultaneously strongly and poorly as Arya Stark. Her father’s passing has both been the driving force behind a rage she may never truly get over, and the fuel that’s helped her reach a level of inner strength she never knew existed. She’s a survivor. She’s fashioned herself into a deadly assassin, and there’s no one else in Westeros that deserves to wear the crown more than her. It would be a fitting end to the series, even if it might be a tad predictable in some respects.

8.) And The Hound Will Be Her Hand

I think the most predictable ending for The Hound would be to protect Arya by killing his brother, The Mountain, with The Hound himself dying in the process. One final show of affection for the girl he protected (through often questionable means).

But a better story would be him surviving, and taking the mantle as Queen Arya Stark’s right hand man. She knows he’s loyal, he knows she’s merciful (she refused to kill him even when he was near death, and on her list of people she actually planned to kill). I think his life was spared for a reason, and that reason was to serve as the hand of the queen.

It would be a touching moment for a show that frankly, lacks such moments - which is probably why it won’t happen. Odds are, Arya will kill him before she herself gets killed by Cersei, who will outsmart everyone, and sit on a throne as the only living thing to survive The Great War.

I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

8 Ridiculous Game Of Thrones Predictions For Season 8 That Will (Probably) Never Happen